Girls — it’s that time of year again!
The post-holiday season always leaves me in a bit of a slump, but leave it to ABC to give me just enough reason to keep getting up every morning. As it turns out, all I really need are women who are drunk on cosmos, desperate to be married, and willing to make fools of themselves on national television while stumbling around in exceptionally high heels. It makes my heart leap for joy and I refuse to be sorry about it.
This season has me more excited than usual because I’ve had a wild love affair going on with Nick for quite some time. Of course, this love affair is completely one-sided and literally non-existent, but I refuse to let that get in the way of how I feel. And how I feel is that Nick Viall is possibly the biggest gift that the Bachelor franchise has ever bestowed up on us. #DemAbsTho just saying.
Because Nick has failed to find love on The Bachelorette (and my particular favorite, Bachelor in Paradise), not one, not two…but three times, things will hopefully get interesting this go around. Bless his precious heart, he made it all the way to the end every season, which tells me that he’s got something worth hanging on to. We can all take guesses on what that something might be (I have ideas, thanks to #HotMicGate), but regardless, he’s failed to seal the deal.
Perhaps fourth time is the charm? Let’s find out.
The episode opens with Nick’s abs in downtown Chicago. And Nick’s abs in the shower. Basically we’ve got Nick’s abs EVERYWHERE except where we really want them. We are also treated to clips from his previous stints on The Bachelorette, which serve as a reminder that Nick hasn’t always been this hot. What a difference 798,000 Instagram followers make, am I right?
Lest we forget that Nick is more than chiseled abs and perfectly sculpted facial scruff, we see Nick at home with his family. Oh look, he has embarrassing childhood photos! He holds babies! My ovaries quiver and I find myself falling deeper under his spell.
Of course, no season premiere would be complete without sage words of wisdom from past Bachelors, so Sean, Chris, and Ben meet up with Nick for a few drinks. Like…are we really bringing in farmer Chris for this? He still owes us a re-do, doesn’t he? And Ben — YOU TOLD TWO WOMEN YOU LOVED THEM. I basically blame Ben for the epic failure that is the pairing of Jo Jo and Jordan. Are these seriously our experts, here?
We are treated to brief clips of a few of our bachelorettes in the wild. Being featured before the limo scenes is usually an indicator that these women will either A) Go far in the season or B) Crash and burn in a spectacular blaze of awkward glory. We meet a variety of gorgeous and accomplished women who will be vying for Nick’s affections. Also we have a girl who is obsessed with dolphins, a 24 year old nursing student who talks to ocean animals, and a woman who still has her own nanny. Good luck with that.
We can’t have The Bachelor without a curve ball, so we meet a bachelorette who met Nick at Jade and Tanner’s wedding and may or may not have spent the night with him. She’s curious if he will remember her or not, so apparently that’s how we are playing this game. In his defense, I’m sure he goes to A LOT OF WEDDINGS. I mean, he is the premier Bachelorette veteran.
Finally we have Nick in front of the Bachelor mansion. His polka dot tie is on point, he’s absolutely beaming, and I know that those abs are a suit jacket, a vest, a dress shirt, and an undershirt away from being revealed in all of their glory. Five layers, guys. That’s all that stands between us and those abs.
The girls begin exiting the limo and meet Nick as they make their way inside. We meet:
Danielle — small business owner, 27 (her hair is made of fairy tales and unicorn tears)
Elizabeth — marketing manager, 24
Rachel — attorney, 31
Christen — wedding videographer, 25
Taylor — mental health counselor, 23
Angela — model, 26
Lauren — law school graduate, 30
Michelle — food truck owner, 24
Dominique — restaurant server, 25
Ida Marie — sales manager, 23
Olivia — apparel sales rep, 25
Sarah — grade school teacher, 26 (super cute personality)
Jasmine G — pro basketball dancer, 29
Hailey — photographer, 23 (basically told Nick she wasn’t wearing panties. Classy)
Astrid — plastic surgery office manager, 26
Liz — doula, 29 (the girl from the wedding. Also, as she was exiting the limo did she tell us that they HAD SEX?? Did I hear that correctly???)
Corinne — business owner, 24 (nanny girl)
Vanessa — special education teacher, 29
Danielle M. — neonatal nurse, 31 (tried to do a sexy move and feed Nick maple syrup on her finger…her hands were TREMBLING. Bless)
Raven — fashion boutique owner, 25 (taught Nick how to call the Hogs. Yes, we actually do that here in Arkansas)
Jaimi — chef, 28
Briana — surgical unit nurse, 28
Susannah — account manager, 26 (gave Nick an awkward beard massage)
Josephine — registered nurse, 24 (please don’t let her stick around)
Brittany — travel nurse, 26
Jasmine B. — flight attendant, 25
Whitney — pilates instructor, 25
Kristina — dental hygienist, 24
Lacey — digital marketing manager, 25 (arrived on a camel and told Nick “I hear you like a good hump”)
Alexis — aspiring dolphin trainer, 23 (arrived in a shark costume but tried to say that it was a dolphin)
Nick walks into the mansion, greets the women, and begins to have one-on-one time with them. Highlights are:
Rachel, the 31 year old attorney who seems to have the combination of looks and independence that Nick admires.
Danielle, the girl whose hair men write songs about and who Nick is obviously very attracted to.
Vanessa the special education teacher who very nearly gets a kiss, until Corinne, the girl with a nanny, interrupts them and basically eats Nick’s face off. WHY DID SHE GET THE FIRST KISS? WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYY.
That extra-special moment when the girls have been drinking on empty stomachs and get panicky because they haven’t talked to Nick yet. My favorite. Cue the meltdowns and existential crises!
The dolphin/shark girl who had a drunken pity party with Nick by the pool.
Liz, the doula that had sex with Nick and thought he forgot. But he DIDN’T forget. Bonus points for Nick. And even MORE bonus points for Nick putting her under the microscope for not giving him her phone number or calling him afterwards. #ThatDoubleStandardTho
Rachel getting the first impression rose, and the second kiss of the night. THANK YOU NICK FOR MAKING WISE CHOICES.
The crushing weight of the collective panic of the girls when they realized that it was time for the rose ceremony. OMG HOW WILL HE DECIDE I DIDN’T GET ENOUGH TIME WITH HIMMMMMM.
Time for the rose ceremony! Roses go to:
The final rose goes to Liz, who he made sweat it out through the ceremony. YOU CRAPPED ON OUR MAN, LIZ. And we will not be taking this lightly.
The girls who weren’t chosen say goodbye. There are some drunken tears and lots of deep, philosophical self-reflection, then they stumble into waiting limos and head home. Nick and the remaining women toast to the evening.
Liz and Corinne need to go. Ain’t nobody got time for what they’re trying to sell.
Danielle and Rachel will go far. Hometown dates?
I really like Sarah as well, although she didn’t seem to have much time with Nick. I hope she’s around for awhile.
We close with a preview of the upcoming season. We can expect lots of making out, crying, and ocean swimming. Also, Backstreet Boys, which never hurt nobody. The girls apparently find out about Liz, and the fallout is NOT pretty. Corinne claims to have a “platinum vageen.” And we all know that when you feel the need to brag about your vageen on national television…it’s not platinum. #RustedUpBustedUpBiscuit And apparently, Nick does indeed close the season with a proposal.
What are your thoughts after the first episode? Favorites?