Can you guys believe that we are at the end of this lame-o season? I love Nick and was super hopeful for this season, but he has most definitely NOT delivered. As much as I dislike Corinne, she is the only thing that made this season slightly less snooze-worthy.
Well, her and his abs. Can we all agree that Nick’s abs need their OWN show?
This week picks up where we left off last week — with Raven and Nick ending their Fantasy Suite date. With a wide smile, Raven tells us that Nick is “pretty good at what he does” and that she is “feeling satisfied.” As happy music plays, she proceeds to frolic through the streets of Finland, giving high fives to the local moose and stopping to do snow angels in the street.
Raven, ARE YOUR POOR PARENTS WATCHING??? I’m simultaneously intrigued and horrified.
The next date is with Rachel, which is pointless to even watch because ABC ruined our lives by announcing her as the next Bachelorette a few weeks ago. To make things even worse, Nick announces that they will be cross-country skiing, and Robin is clearly less than thrilled.
So not only is he wasting her time, but he’s wasting her time on skiis. UNFORGIVABLE.
They stop at a petting zoo, where there is a small cabin with hot drinks and a fire waiting for them. They stop to take a break and talk, so Robin can pour her heart out to Nick and it can go unreciprocated. Every time she’s vulnerable, I just cringe. Girl, you are too good for this. Abort mission. Abort mission!
Later that evening, they sit and sip wine in a cozy cabin so that Robin can pour more of her heart out to Nick for no reason. After a glass of red and a lot of prodding, Nick finally gets Rachel to say that she’s falling in love with him. And he actually responds that he’s FALLING FOR HER.
WHAT. IS. HAPPENING. I can’t watch. They start to kiss and I’m peeking through cracks in my fingers, horrified. THIS IS BAD, YOU GUYS.
Nick then presents Rachel with the Fantasy Suite card. Of course, she accepts, and they head to the Fantasy Suite, which as it turns out is right upstairs. On a bed.
Where are the rose petals? It’s not a Fantasy Suite without rose petals. EVERYONE KNOWS THIS.
We return the next morning to find Rachel and Nick tangled up in the sheets. He gets up and makes them breakfast and I notice that she’s wearing an adult onesie. Suddenly it all makes sense. This is why she didn’t win. You don’t wear a onesie on a Fantasy Suite, it’s just a thing.
The next day is Nick’s date with Vanessa. After meeting up in the Finnish woods, Nick lets Vanessa know that they will be jumping into icy cold water. Why did Raven get the good date? Is it because she rolled around in the mud with him in Arkansas? Because that wasn’t real. WE DON’T ACTUALLY DO THAT HERE.
As it turns out, jumping into the freezing water is a whole big process and it’s super weird. They walk outside, down a bunch of stairs, jump in a tiny pool of freezing water, go back up the stairs, and back inside. Repeat. And repeat. And…repeat.
Later they hop in a hot tub. They discuss the differences in their families — Vanessa’s family is very traditional and involved and Nick’s is not. Because of this, Nick has concerns…basically he’s worried that her family will constantly be breathing down their necks, and Vanessa isn’t willing to promise otherwise.
Later that evening, the two head to a very large tent where a cozy fire is waiting for them. They discuss Nick moving to Canada – he’s hesitant and Vanessa is on the offensive. Vanessa moving to Chicago never comes up, which kind of annoys me. It’s called The BACHELOR, Vanessa.
Somehow this conversation ends with Vanessa telling Nick that she loves him. They kiss, and he presents her with the Fantasy Suite card. Of course, she accepts. He leads her to the Fantasy Suite where again, there are no rose petals.
Do they not have roses in Finland? How can the Bachelor have Fantasy Suites in a country without roses? This goes against everything we believe in and I will not stand for it.
The next morning we find the couple laying in bed together — and Vanessa is CLEARLY naked under that sheet. Nope, no onesie for this girl. Ladies and gentleman…I happen to know that a mans only real goal in life is to find a woman who sleeps naked. We might as well cut to the finale with Nick proposing because this contest is over.
The next day is the Rose Ceremony. Cue the scenes of the woman walking pensively through the snow. Drama in Finland!
The women line up and stare at the two roses waiting to be handed out. Rachel looks particularly on point, not that it’s going to do her any good this time around.
Nick gives the first rose to Raven. In tears, he offers the second rose to Vanessa. Rachel is going home.
Nick walks Rachel out, but not before stopping to hold hands and cry about what might have been.
Rachel was the best thing going on this show, Nick. And you had to go and mess it all up. I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY LIVING IN CANADA.
(actually, you probably will be. The people are really nice. But still)
The limo drives away with Rachel questioning her self-worth. GIRL — he was ACTUALLY willing to spend his life with Andi Dorfman at one time. Homeboy has NO clue what he is doing.
The episode ends as they segue into The Women Tell All, which we all know is a waste of time. Corinne and Taylor will fight, Nick will come out and act squirrely…the end.
Next week is the finale! Who is your money on?