I’m recapping episode 4 of The Bachelor Ben Higgins!
Hay, girls, haaaay.
I am so torn on this season. I expected it to be dull (Ben H. zzzzzzzzzzz), but it’s actually not too terrible. My only concern is that when Jubilee and Olivia inevitably go home, it will be an epic snoozefest. But is it weird that I think Ben ACTUALLY has a shot at a real relationship? Are we willing to trade a dull season for real love that lasts? I’m torn on how I feel about that. I love a happy ending but I am so obsessed with the DRAMA!!
Here’s what happened this week:
The episode opened with the news that the group would be headed to Vegas. The twins were thrilled because that is their hometown, which means it will be all the easier when one of them inevitably goes home.
The girls arrive at their Vegas suite at The Aria hotel, and you’d think they never saw things like mirrors or toilets or chairs for sitting in before. All the screaming.
ALL. THE. SCREAMING.
The first date card arrives at the suite and it is addressed to JoJo. It reads, “You set my heart on fire.” Olivia isn’t worried though, because she is Zen with Ben. So, that’s good. She’s so calm and low-key and easy to be around.
It’s also worth noting that it is revealed that the twins share a car and have the same job. This is so incredibly strange to me. Why would they only have one car? Who drives? Do they take turns on different days? Is there a calendar or a chart?
Ben and JoJo head out for their date. A helicopter arrives to pick them up, and JoJo is so shocked that Ben is forced to snap her back into reality via mouth-to-mouth. Olivia, watching the encounter from the hotel window, starts crying. I guess her Zen doesn’t apply to Ben playing tonsil hockey with other women.
A date card arrives at the suite addressed to: Amanda, Jubilee, Caila, Lauren B, Amber, Haley, Emily, Leah, Lauren H, Jennifer, Rachel, and Olivia. It reads, “show me what you’ve got.”
Becca is thrilled because this means that she will be getting the one-on-one date. Olivia is not happy, probably because she has mysterious ugly toes.
Ben and JoJo hang out in a suite (his suite? Is this really the best they can do in Vegas?). They talk, and JoJo tells Ben about her previous relationship in which her boyfriend cheated on her.
Ben and JoJo go outside and admire the cityscape and pretend not to notice the stench of urine and people in the street, aggressively passing out cards for prostitution services. They make out some more, Olivia cries on the couch in her pajamas, and all is right with the world.
Time for the group date!!
The women gather in a theater and meet with Terry Fater, a ventriloquist who got his big break on America’s Got Talent.
Terry announces that the girls will be auditioning for a talent show. Many of the girls start panicking because as it turns out, the only thing they know how to do is wear tiny shorts and talk bad about Olivia.
After the girls pick their costumes and decide on their talent, he announces that they have an hour before they will performing live, on stage, in front of an audience as his opening act.
And this is where I’d storm out, masking my fear and insecurity in anger, shouting obscenities and shoving my hand in front of the camera as they attempted to film my exit.
Hashtag DO IT OLIVIA, Hashtag BUT FIRST SHOW US YOUR TOES.
The show starts and Haley and Emily are the first out. They do a surprisingly impressive tap dancing routine, perfectly in sync. Jubilee plays the cello, Lauren B juggles, Caila hula dances, and finally…it’s Olivia’s turn. A giant cake is wheeled out and out she pops, dressed in a sparkly bikini and a feather boa.
And what happens next is really strange. She giggles. She awkwardly shimmies. She kicks her legs around a bit, almost apologetically. It’s like a comedy…but with a lot of skin showing? I could hardly watch. But then I remembered that I love watching horrible people be uncomfortable. So it was actually kind of awesome.
The talent show ended and Olivia started having a panic attack. Because as it turns out, by “Zen,” she meant “raving lunatic.”
Olivia sits in the bathroom sobbing because it didn’t hit her until AFTER her half-naked dance that maybe it was not the best choice of talent. The group heads out for the cocktail portion of the date, where Olivia will no doubt be desperately seeking Ben’s approval.
Ben took turns spending alone time with each of the women, and finally…it was time for Olivia. Embarrassed, Olivia tries to explain her awkward dance talent, while Ben barely pays attention. It’s obvious that while she was sobbing in the bathroom, Ben was thinking about ideas for new Dorito flavors or what time the basketball game was coming on the next day.
“I’m just so embarrassed…”
“Huh? Oh. Don’t be.”
“It just totally didn’t come out how I planned.”
“Oh don’t worry, it was great.”
As a woman who has been married for a decade, I can tell you that “it was great,” really means, “I was not paying attention.”
Lauren B. is next up with Ben, and it’s obvious from their conversation that she has it BAD for Ben. Like totally on her way to the big “L” word, and Ben is right there with her. This should make me dislike her, but it doesn’t. She’s cute and normal and she’s not Olivia.
After just a couple of minutes with Ben, Emily (twin), is interrupted by Olivia. Considering that Olivia ALREADY had time with him, the other women are less than thrilled. Olivia walks up to Ben aggressively, swinging her arms and snapping her fingers, asking Ben several times if they can “start over”. Ben is obviously confused. Start over as what? A vaudeville act? Do people even still snap their fingers unless they’re in one of the Pitch Perfect sequels?
Lauren B gets the date rose. Olivia does not. Successful day.
The next day, a box arrives for Becca. The attached card reads, “get dressed, it’s a big day.” The box holds a wedding dress. And all of the girls’ hearts break into a million little pieces and I laugh and laugh and laugh.
Becca puts on the dress and is picked up in a pink convertible. She is dropped off at a tacky chapel, where Ben is waiting for her in a tux. As it turns out, Ben has been ordained and they are going to be marrying couples as part of their date.
After marrying a bunch of people, they head to the Neon Graveyard, where they sit and Ben basically begs her not to be a robot this season. “Please feel, Becca. Please feel.”
They kiss and have good conversation…I think she will be around for quite some time. But she’s not The One. Nope, nope, nope.
The next morning, Chris arrives with the news that Ben has requested a 2-on-1 date with the twins, where one will be headed home. My guess is that he’s tired of trying to guess who is who at the rose ceremony.
Ben picks them up in their limo and they head to their home, where the twins not only live with their mom, but they were also frozen in 1995. Either that or they own stock in Claire’s and The Icing.
Emily sits down with Ben and pretty much throws Haley under the bus. Which is unfortunate, considering that neither of them are going to win. Emily’s plotting and planning works, and he ends up rejecting Haley. Haley heads to her room to sob into her Lisa Frank comforter and play a quick game of MASH to determine if her future husband will live in a Mansion or a Shack.
Finally it’s time for the Rose Ceremony/Cocktail party.
Ben starts off with a brief visit with Jennifer, who is quickly interrupted by Olivia who is desperate to (yet again) apologize to Ben and dissect her talent show performance.
The cocktail party continues, Ben kisses one girl after another. All the kisses. ALLLLLLL THE KISSES.
Finally it’s time for roses!
Roses go to:
Rachel and Amber go home in tears. Apparently they were super invested in Ben, even though they only talked to him for a total of five minutes in the history of life.
Next week the gang is in Mexico. Jubilee has a meltdown and Olivia acts like Olivia. I’ll be watching!