A recap of episode 5 of The Bachelor Chris Soules. Who got the coveted red roses this week?
The episode opened with Chris in Santa Fe, saying that it’s the perfect place to fall in love. So is Barcelona, Chris. Or Paris. You do know ABC is picking up the tab? Like, it’s all for free? Just throwing that out there.
Chris Harrison shows up in the mansion and lets the girls know they are headed to Santa Fe. They all pretend to act excited and not secretly resent Chris S. for being so “down to earth”. Megan, however…is a whole different story. Bless her heart, she has never been out of the country, and is now excited for the opportunity. As she prepares for New Mexico beaches (ummm) and sombrero wearing locals I can’t get my mind off of how this could play out as an awesome prank. What, Megan? Did you not see us fly over the ocean? Yes, we are in a whole different country! Wink.
The group arrives in Santa Fe and thank GOODNESS because Ashley I has decided that it’s the perfect place to recover from telling Chris that she’s a virgin. In case we forgot.
The first date card arrives, and it’s addressed to Carly. It reads: Let’s come together.
I can’t, people. I just can’t even go there. I AM A CHRISTIAN WOMAN.
As Chris stands out in a field gazing at the cacti, Carly arrives to meet him for the date. They go in a large house, and after wandering around in confusion, they walk into the yard and find a woman meditating. Intensely. It’s obvious that things will go downhill from here. As it turns out, I’m right. She’s a love and intimacy mentor and informs them they will work on juiciness of relationship.
Spoiler alert — when someone uses the word juicy on a first date and steaks are not involved… it’s not headed anywhere good.
Chris and Carly head in the house and the love guru starts burning some sage while the couple does some deep breathing and meditating. She then has Carly blindfold Chris and touch all over him and feed him fruit dipped in chocolate. WHILE SHE SITS AND STARES AT THEM THE ENTIRE TIME. I check my television to make sure I’m tuned to ABC and and not Cinemax. What is even happening? Why do I feel like a pizza delivery guy with a bad mustache and short shorts will be ringing the door bell any minute? After a lot of touching and weird breathing, it occurs to Chris that this so called “Love Guru” is actually a Sex Guru. Gee, Chris. Do you think?
The “Love Guru” then tells Chris and Carly to stand facing each other and begin taking each other clothes off. Karly then reveals that she has major insecurities when it comes to intimacy and getting undressed. Just when I begin to think I’m going to have to change the channel (for the love, I’m about to explode from awkward), Carly calls the whole thing off. I’m just thankful it wasn’t Ashley I. on the date. Can you even imagine?
The Love Guru then tells them to begin talking to one another about masks they are ready to let go of. They both discuss their issues with intimacy, then they are told to sit facing each other, with Carly on Chris’ lap. The only rule is no kissing. They sit there breathing heavily and “exploring” each other while the Love Guru coaches them. This is all too much. The metaphors, the blindfolds, the sage…do people NOT just go to the movies anymore? What’s the point of choosing dates in “normal” places if you’re going to choose whacked out activities like heavy panting with the Love Guru?
It occurs to me that the “Love Guru” is actually a perverted housewife with voyeuristic tendencies who somehow sneaked on toThe Bachelor set. Good grief, people, TIGHTEN YOUR SECURITY.
Back at the mansion, Kelsey is sharing the story of her husband’s death. Ashley I is suspicious of the whole thing, stating that facts just don’t add up. I mean, she’s basically a detective in Kim Kardashian clothing.
The group date card arrives addressed to: Jade, Megan, Kaitlyn, Whitney McKenzie, Becca, Samantha, Ashley, and Kelsey. It reads: I’m rapidly falling in love.
Back on Carly and Chris’ date, they head back to his cabin to drink champagne and talk. They talk a lot about Carly’s last relationship, and how her boyfriend didn’t want to be physical with her. They have a good conversation and she opens up to him quite a bit…it turns out she’s quite vulnerable and insecure. And not, “I’m going to remove my top to get attention” insecure, but legitimately overwhelmed by this experience and the beautiful women she’s surrounded by all day in the mansion. They seem to hit it off, and I find myself worrying about her. I don’t think she’s going to win in the end….and it’s not going to be good when she goes home. But for now, everything is love and hearts and she gets the date rose.
The next morning is the group date. The women meet Chris at a river to go white water rafting. What is up with all these dates? Is this a dating show or an obstacle course? Megan, who may or may not realize that she is still in the United States, is now worried about alligators in the river. You know those darn river alligators are dangerous, y’all!
The safety guy comes to go over procedure and scare the love out of all the girls. Basically, these girls are risking THEIR LIVES. They finally begin rafting, and Jade falls out in the process. She ends up cold and slightly injured and gets the majority of Chris’ attention. After last week’s lake date and the fact that she hasn’t had a one-on-one date, Kelsey is becoming more and more manic by the minute. The Kelsey train is about the jump the tracks, and I can’t help but wonder how her career as a school guidance counselor will fare when all is said and done.
The group cleans up and heads to a hotel lounge for the rest of the date. As Chris shows up to meet the women, Jordan, who was eliminated earlier in the season, appears in the lobby. She tells Chris that she drove from Colorado to see him and apologizes for drinking too much before. She wants…a second chance. Do you ever wonder HOW these rejected girls find out where the Bachelor is?? That’s right…the producers. Can we all just sign a petition demanding that they put an end to this nonsense? RULES EXIST FOR A REASON.
Chris and Jordan sit down and talk about her drinking. He tells her he enjoys drinking also, which is no surprise to anyone who has seen his DWI record. The next thing you know, Chris strolls into the lounge with Jordan on his arm. He’s obviously either incredibly naive, or there is some kind of drinking game going on where a shot is taken every time he makes a boneheaded move. The girls are all shocked and upset to see Jordan, and things start to go downhill from there.
The entire date turns into the Jordan is Back Date. It’s all anyone will talk about, and it becomes obvious to Chris that instead of moving forward in his relationships with the women, his one-on-one time with each of them is being dominated by Jordan talk.
Back at the hotel, a date card arrives for Britt. It reads: The Sky’s the Limit. She immediately starts sobbing because she’s terrified of heights. It is at this point that I wonder if these girls fill out a survey about their deepest fears prior to the show. Has no one figured out yet that they need to LIE their butts off? I’m terrified of spa treatments, an amazing brunch, and an afternoon of Netflix in bed. Boom. I just sealed my fate for the best date ever.
Back on the group date, there is still lots of Jordan drama. Ashley I. and Whitney get into an argument over how to behave towards Jordan. Ashley wants everyone to agree to be mean to her, and has most likely already done some weird bellybutton voodoo on her. Chris finally realizes that this isn’t going to work, and pulls Jordan outside to tell her she has to go. So great, Chris. You ruined an entire group date for nothing.
Jordan tells the girls goodbye, they all act like they are sad to see her go. Chris apologizes and gives Whitney the group date rose, much to the dismay of Ashley I. who is extremely upset. She didn’t think she needed to worry about Whitney, which is what she said LAST week about Kaitlyn when SHE got the group date rose. Why does she think all these girls are here? Does she realize she hasn’t even gotten a one-on-one yet?
The next morning, Chris sneaks into the girls’ hotel to wake up Britt for their date. As Britt scrounges around in the dark, frantically putting on someone’s dirty socks and grabbing a sweater from the floor, I notice that she is wearing bright pink lipstick. I have so many questions. Like doesn’t she know about skincare? Does she know it’s not normal to wear people’s dirty socks? Carly then reveals that Britt never showers and actually applies more make up BEFORE BED. At this news, I can hear my pores shrinking back in fear. I think I might have even gotten a sympathy pimple. What is this life? Where do they FIND these women??
Chris and Britt show up to their date, which ends up being a hot air balloon ride. And just like that, Britt is no longer afraid of heights. You know…because dangling in a basket high in the air isn’t scary AT ALL for someone who is afraid of heights.
As Britt and Chris ride in the balloon, Britt now feels safe. SHE FEEL SAFE. Whatever, Britt. I’ve crossed you off my list.
Back at mansion, the girls are talking about Britt not showering. Is this real? She doesn’t shower? What kind of grown women doesn’t shower? Especially considering you just sit around a hotel all day? Ashley I. reveals that Britt has said that she doesn’t want to get married and have kids for a long time. Cameras then pan back to the date where Britt is saying that she’s dying to have kids. The women all decide that she’s manipulative.
WHAT happened? One minute she’s the adorable frontrunner, the next she’s a dirty liar.
Back on the date, Chris and Britt snuggle in hotel room bed. I can’t stop thinking about the white bedding and sheets. CHRIS!! NO!! She’s going to get everything dirty!! Make her lay on a throw blanket or something!
Later in the day, Britt comes back to the hotel and brags to the girls about her date. Smugly, she tells everyone she went to Chris ‘room for 2 hours and ordered room service and took a nap. Good for you, Pig Pen. GOOD FOR YOU.
Kelsey, upset by the “air quote” nap, immediately heads to Chris hotel room fuled by what is obviously manic rage. She wants to tell him about her husband and she wants to tell him about her husband NOW. As she tells Chris about her husband’s death, I notice moisture appearing on my face. What is happening? No, Kelsey, NO. I will not let you drag me dow–oh…poor girl…
Suddenly the camera cuts to Kelsey, who tells us that she loves her amazing and tragic story. She was broken and now we get to watch the story of her picking up the pieces. This is about her now. She triumphantly shares her first kiss with Chris, feeling secure and confident.
WHAT?? What just happened?? All that’s missing is a hairless cat for her to stroke menacingly while she spins around in her armchair.
I’m kind of afraid for Chris.
Finally it’s time for the cocktail party. Everyone is tense. Everyone…except for Kelsey. The girls begin to notice that normally high strung Kelsey is strangely calm and secure. It’s finally explained when Chris comes out to join the women and reveals that he conversed with Kelsey a couple of hours earlier. Referring to the emotional story about her husband, Chris gets choked up and has to leave the room.
As the women worry, Kelsey suddenly becomes an expert. She tells the women that Chris already knows who is going home and she’s going to be sad to say goodbye to one of the women. It’s obvious that she knows she isn’t going ANYWHERE, which doesn’t sit well with anyone.
Chris Harrison finally comes into the room and tells the girls that Chris knows what he will be doing at the rose ceremony and will not continue the cocktail party. The girls become upset and frantic, jealous of Kelsey’s story. She sits serene and satisfied as they all scramble to dredge up any hint of sadness in their past.
Suddenly Kelsey says she doesn’t want to go to the rose ceremony and leaves the room. The next thing we know, she’s sobbing on the floor while medics crowd around her.
The episode ends To Be Continued…
Seriously, though. Will she still be a school counselor after all this? That’s all I really want to know.