I’m recapping week 6 of The Bachelor. Who got the coveted red roses this week?
As you may or may not remember, last week ended with Kelsey collapsing in a spectacular “panic attack”. So of course, this week picked up right where we left off, with Kelsey laying on the floor gasping for air and sobbing dramatically.
In the other room, the girls sit by and pretend to act concerned while internally rolling their eyes in disgust. It’s obvious that if it wasn’t for the EMT’s, Kelsey would just be left there alone to fake die. Literally no one cares.
Meanwhile, Kelsey has an oxygen mask on her face and is asking for Chris. She laughs maniacally, saying that she’s sure to get a rose this week. Tralalalalalala!! Do we have actual confirmation that she is indeed a school guidance counselor? Because I honestly think she’s a serial killer in a Coldwater Creek cardigan.
Of course, Chris comes to see her in her time of need. It is at this point that I realize it’s still the same day in Bachelorland, and just a few hours ago, she was in his hotel room, dumping her I AM A WIDOW story in his lap. How tidy for her — she’s managed to dominate almost the entire day. On Rose Ceremony day, no less.
Somehow Kelsey manages to regain her composure and returns to the other women. She feigns embarrassment but she honestly cannot mask her triumph. Through batted eyelashes, she tells everyone how humiliated she feels, all the while silently high fiving herself. She then tells the camera that today is the day that is the start of her and Chris’ relationship. And by relationship , she means all the times she’s going to throw food down into the well she plans to keep him chained in.
Next up is the rose ceremony. This is the part where my husband comes in the room and is all, “oh sweet, it’s almost over”. And I smile sweetly and say, “oh yes, only 15 minutes left on the clock”, just so he can see how football time feels to a woman.
Roses go to:
McKenzie and Samantha go home. I keep waiting for someone to hand McKenzie a goody bag to take home with her. I mean, don’t kids always get bored on long plane rides?
Next up, the group heads to South Dakota. In case ABC is losing us with the whole Kelsey thing, they give us some time with Chris shaving shirtless. Shirtless Chris tells us that he’s not here for drama and is looking to put it behind him. Well, Chris…unless Kelsey is in your rear view, I have a feeling that your drama days are far from over.
Chris poses for old timey photos in the quaint old town of Deadwood, saying that he’s looking forward to seeing girls wild west side. I’m hoping that someone told Ashely I. to bring her cowgirl costume, otherwise we are in for an epic tantrum.
Back at the hotel, Britt picks Kelsey’s brain about her relationship with Chris. She pretends to be seeking this information in a friendship kind of a way, but I think that she’s trying to figure out if she needs to up her game by taking a shower. Please Britt, TAKE A SHOWER.
The first date card comes, and Kelsey nearly loses her cool when it’s addressed to Becca. I have decided that those cardigans of hers are literally holding her together. She’s one loose button away from a complete and total meltdown.
Becca arrives for her date with Chris, and it turns out that they will be horseback riding on trails. She’s nervous, the scenery is gorgeous, and it’s obvious that this date is going to be a snoozefest.
Back at hotel, the girls decide that something needs to be done about Kelsey. After talking privately, they wait for Kelsey to enter the room, then Whitney delicately informs her that she’s a psycho with multiple personalities. Carly follows this up by gently breaking the news that she’s basically a horrible person. I don’t know how the girls thought this conversation was going to go, but Kelsey certainly doesn’t lay down and agree with them. She does her eyebatting, weird sad voice thing, then smiles to the camera and tells us all privately that the real reason they don’t like her is that she’s smart and articulate. Yes, Kelsey. You flopping around on the floor at the last cocktail party has NOTHING to do with any of this.
Back on the date, Becca and Chris are cozy in front of a campfire. Becca says it has been a good day…am I the only one bothered that we didn’t’ see much of the horseback riding? Did they really even ride horses for very long? Is it possible that they actually went and found an IKEA to browse around in for awhile?
As they sit by the fire, they seem to get along. Chris does his girly laugh a lot, which Becca seems to find really charming. I have a feeling that it won’t seem quite as charming after a few years, but maybe by then he will have practiced a deeper laugh? I don’t know, I just feel like if he’s really serious about this process, he needs to figure out a laugh that is more long term.
Back at the hotel, the group date card arrives. It’s addressed to: Whitney, Jade, Britt, Kaitlyn, Karly, and Megan and reads: Let’s Make Sweet Music. Ashley I and Kelsey are the only two who weren’t on the card, which means they will both be on the dreaded 2 on 1 date. Each is surprisingly upbeat about this development, deciding that the other is so crazy, they are a shoo-in to stay.
Back on the date, Chris asks Becca about her five year plan, and I immediately look for a trap door underneath her. After Jillian’s date, we all know that this will straight up make or break you in his world. Thankfully, she has a decent response, so he doesn’t send her flying down the chute. They bond over how many kids they want (4-10 WHAT?!) and she finally kisses him for the first time. As per the usual on his one-on-one dates, she’s super likeable and seems to go to the front of the line.
The next day is the group date and it turns out they’ll be writing and performing country music songs. Big and Rich show up to teach the girls about writing songs, which only means something to like two of them. Am I the only one wondering why they only have country music stars on this show?
As the girls sit and work on their songs, Chris and Britt carry on like they are the only ones in the room. They grab each other and kiss, making the other girls feel awkward and resentful. I honestly have to wonder if Chris is genuinely clueless, or if he just doesn’t care? And other girls aside — does he think it’s normal to act that way in public? Because if I was out walking around in a small western town and saw two people practically eating each other’s faces off, I would probably run away crying.
Finally, it’s time for performances. Chris goes first and he’s predictably terrible. Britt is right behind him. It’s obvious that she thinks she can sing, but the reality of things is that she’s only a milder version of terrible. The girls continue after her — Kaitlyn raps, Megan tries to sing but is awful, and then…Carly comes up for her turn, dragging Chris behind her.
As she sits him down and begins to sing, I remember that she’s a cruise ship singer, which I actually always thought was a thing Simon Cowell made up as an insult. Nope, apparently it’s a real job and apparently she’s actually good. Her song and performance are heartfelt, and she seems to be winning this date by a mile. Even Princess Jade, who follows after her, performs pretty terribly.
After the performances, the girls and Chris gather for drinks. The girls take turns spending alone time with Chris and all are feeling vulnerable — the weeks left are dwindling, and they’ve all been sharing their hearts. But then Miss Britt gets her alone time with Chris, and it’s all over. He grabs her hand and they run off to another building, while the girls sit clueless with their drinks, expecting Chris to come out any minute. It turns out that Chris dragged Britt to a Big and Rich concert, where they are pulled onstage to sing and dance. Britt, who is decidedly NOT a fan of country music, is in alien territory, smiling and yelling “I LOVE THIS MUSIC!!!”
Who even says that? She also tells us that she’s “super into Chris” and I’m thinking, well thank goodness. I hope you’re super into him enough to be worth the fact that these girls are going to murder you with their cocktail glasses when you get back.
An HOUR LATER, Chris and Britt return to the date, holding hands. They casually sit down with the girls like…no big deal. Britt is holding a rose and wiping saliva and smeared lipstick off her face. Chris has purple lipstick all over his mouth, and it’s literally one of the rudest things I have ever seen in my entire life. Thankfully, the girls decide that today is the day to finally have an ounce of self respect, and they stare him down awkwardly until he leaves for the night.
Britt sits there feeling uncomfortable while several of the girls cry. But I guess she’s not feeling TOO bad because she manages to squeeze in the fact that she got to go onstage for a Big and Rich concert, while they sat there nursing cocktails in a barn. Considering the fact that she was in Chris’ hotel bed ordering room service and “napping” just a few days ago…things are not looking good. Pigpen has a target on her back.
The next day, Ashley I and Kelsey prepare for their group date. Both are excited and extremely confident, but just in case Chris needs extra motivation, Ashley wears a crop top and her super sparkly belly button ring. They ride in a helicopter to the middle of a canyon, where a large bed is set up. They all sit on the edge of the bed and drink champagne, which isn’t awkward in the slightest.
Chris and Ashley walk off to have some alone time, and she wastes no time in hoovering his entire head in her mouth. Literally, it’s like she’s a boa constrictor or something. They finally stop to breathe, and he asks her what it’s been like in the house. She tells him everyone thinks that Kelsey is fake, which is certainly true…but I know from experience that answering this question never ends well on The Bachelor.
Kelsey goes for her alone time with Chris next. He asks her how things are in the house, but she skirts the question and steers the conversation towards her experience has a wife. She’s been one before, he needs one…look at how that works out!! Not to be deterred, Chris goes back to his original question, telling her that he wants to marry someone who is good in social situations. Oh, finally…I think. Finally her’s kicking her to the curb!! But no. Instead, he tells Kelsey that Ashley told on her for being fake.
WHAT. JUST. HAPPENED.
You don’t make out with someone, ask them about gossip, then immediately SELL THEM OUT. For someone who doesn’t want drams, he sure is making a lot of boneheaded choices. Of course, Kelsey denies being dramatic and turns on the charm. She then calmly returns to the big bed thing and proceeds to sit and stare at Ashley like a serial killer. Ashley pretends not to notice, which is super weird. They are both on the same bed. WHERE IS CHRIS?? He basically handed Kelsey a grenade, then went and hid. If there is one thing I’ve learned from this episode, it’s that Chris is too much drama to be a real farmer.
Kelsey finally tells Ashley that she knows what she did. She actually said that: “I KNOW WHAT YOU DID.” Who even says that? Psychos, that’s who. Ashley finally cracks under the pressure and runs off sobbing, looking for Chris. She finally finds him, and he’s definitely hiding. I think his plan was to let the two of them finish each other off, so he wouldn’t have to dump them himself. Maybe that bed was like the Hunger Games cornucopia? It’s all making sense now.
Chris attempts some damage control, apologizing to Ashley. One thing I notice, though — they aren’t making out, and this can’t mean good news for Ashley. Sure enough, he tells her that they are in different places in their lives, and she wouldn’t be happy in his world and life. So basically, she can’t run down to Sephora for a set of fake lashes if she’s living in Iowa. And apparently, he’s just now figuring all this out? In a moment that I can only describe as Ashley I.’s blaze of glory, she sobs at him, “AND BRITT WOULD BE HAPPY IN YOUR WORLD?? DO YOU SERIOUSLY THINK THAT???”
Oh Ashley…if only you’d been this awesome all season.
Ashley sobs some more, then heads back to the cornucopia, where Kelsey is waiting with a wicked smile. It is at this moment that I begin to panic. Is Kelsey actually STAYING??? What on earth???
As Ashley is wanders around sobbing in the middle of nowhere, Chris sits down on the bed with Kelsey and breaks the news that he’s dumping her as well. He then heads towards a waiting helicopter and leaves both girls alone in the badlands.
I can’t help but feel like I need closure. How will the women get home? Will they have to fight? Is another helicopter coming? Will they ride together?
As someone comes back to the hotel to get Kelsey’s bag, the girls celebrate. The cameras pan back and forth, from Kelsey in the badlands, calmly telling us about her tragic, beautiful story, to the girls in the hotel, screaming and celebrating her demise over glasses of champagne.
Oh, Kelsey. There’s no way you have a career as a school counselor to go home to.
Double episodes this week — one on Sunday and one on Monday. Lots of kissing, lots of crying, a trip to Iowa, and it looks like Britt might finally lose it!! I’ll be watching.