A recap of episode 3 of The Bachelor Chris Soules. Who got the coveted red roses this week?
Happy Friday, Bachelor Babes!
I’m just gonna put this out there — if last week was the Crazy Episode, this week was the Kissing Episode. Good grief! So. Much. Kissing. It’s a good way to come down with something, doesn’t Chris know that?
Let’s get started.
The episode begins with Chris Soules sleeping in the Bachelor Mansion Driveway House. Note to self: never use night vision goggles when you marry Chris. He loses at least 75% of his attractiveness is that weird black and white. Also? Open Mouth Sleeper.
Jimmy Kimmel shows up., wearing a suit and tie. It is at this point that I notice how bright it is outside. How late in the day is it? How late does Chris sleep in? I thought he was supposed to be a FARMER?? I mean, here Jimmy is dressed to the nines and Farmer Chris is passed out with his mouth hanging wide open.
Jimmy wakes Chris up and tells him to get ready to take one of the girls on a date. Confirming that yes, it’s at least late morning/early afternoon. For the love, Chris. Get your act together.
Back at the mansion, Chris H introduces the women to Jimmy Kimmel. Is it just me or is Jimmy Kimmel more attractive on the Bachelor than on his own show? Is there a special filter on The Bachelor camera lens? Or is it because he’s the only one who seems to have a grasp on real life? Good grief people, you are grown adults. Get up in the morning and do things that adults do. Life isn’t a frat party.
Jimmy then brings out a jar and tells the girls that every time they say “amazing,” they have to put dollar In the jar. Did he travel from olden times? Do people still have dollar bills? Does The Bachelor not know about those credit card scanners that you can stick on an iPad? Are they just trying to be old timey because Chris is a pretend farmer? I have so many questions!
Jimmy leaves a date card at the house addressed to Kaitlyn The date card tells her to be prepared to join an exclusive club. She’s super excited for a swanky date, and she and Chris get ready and head out.
Kaitlyn and Chris sip champagne in the limo, wondering what luxury the day has in store for them. They are shocked when the limo pulls up to Costo, and the driver comes around and opens their doors. I am fairly certain that I could fuel a tear shaped sadness rocket with the disappointed vibes radiating from Kaitlyn’s face. She and Chris head in the store with a grocery list written by Jimmy who plans on joining them later for dinner.
Chris is still disappointed stating that although “normal couples” often go to Costco on the WEEKENDS, they don’t go there on DATES. Spoiler alert — all married couple dates end at the grocery store, the book store, or Lowes. We all know this. Look it up in the Married People dictionary — it’s on the front page. To ease their disappointment, they climb in a giant blue ball and make out. Somehow, this is fitting. A blue ball feels like the theme for the entire show.
Forget I said that. I’m 12, the opportunity was there, I couldn’t resist.
After romping through the aisles of Costco, the couple heads back to Chris’ driveway house to make dinner. A few shots of bourbon and a make out session later, they’ve decided they are happy about the date and it was the perfect date for them. Sure you do. I always choose perusing discounted rotisserie chickens over a helicopter ride.
Jimmy finally shows up and they grill the steaks and chat. During conversation, Kaitlyn reveals that she’s “into farmers”. How many farmers does a person date? Does she has a farmer fetish? Does she know that he actually sleeps in super late and is probably a farmer accountant and not a real farmer? This relationship won’t go far, I can already tell.
During dinner, Jimmy asks Kaitlyn that if she ends up with Chris at the end, would she be upset if she watched the show and found out that Chris slept with the other women in the fantasy suite? She says no, which I FULLY recognize as the Cool Girlfriend Act. Spoiler alert — Cool Girlfriend Act can’t last. She’d be sobbing into her whiskey and we all know it. Also — isn’t she on a preview laying on the sidewalk and crying because of Chris? I’m pretty sure we will eventually watch her Cool Girlfriend Act go down in flames.
Back at the mansion, a group date card arrives addressed to: Bitt, Jillian, Becca, Tracey , mMkenzie, Kelsey, Amber, Ashley S, Juelia, Samantha, Nikki and Karley – Who are these girls? HOW MANY GIRLS GO ON THESE GROUP DATES??? Infinity, that’s how many. The card asks if they are ready to meet some REAL party animals.,
Back on the date, Jimmy Kimmel brings out group date rose and awkwardy intervenes while Chris gives it to Kaitlyn. He then leaves and Chris and Kaitlyn make out and marvel over how great and “normal” their date felt. YOU HUNG OUT WITH A CELEBRITY AND GOT FREE STEAKS. Not normal. The end.
Back at the house. Jillian is prepping for the group date by working out and scaring everyone. The mystery black square over her appears over her butt again. WHAT IS GOING ON WITH HER BUTT. Is it hanging out of her shorts? Is there a tattoo of a cuss word on it? Is there a tattoo of another naked butt ON her butt? So many possibilities — I have GOT to solve the Jillian Black Censor Square Butt Mystery.
It’s finally time for the group date. The Girls go to a farm and are informed that they will be participating in a Ho Down Throw Down, an obstacle course that involves shucking corn, cracking fresh eggs, milking goats and then drinking the milk, shoveling manure and wrestling a greased pig. Um…this is a DATE? Because yes, I always choose my future life partner based on how well they wrestle a hog. This is where I’d pack my bags and leave. While talking about milking the goats, the word “TEET” is used repeatedly. I begin breaking out in hives — TEET is on my list of Words I’m Allergic To.
The girls are completely enthusiastic, Jillain in particular. She flies around the obstacle course, black box butt chasing right behind her. Sadly for her, Karly wins.
The date then moves to the rooftop of a Hollywood hotel. Feeling confident after her goat milk drinking, hog wrestling win, Karly pulls Chris aside and kisses him. What then follows is what I call The Parade of Saliva. We see Chris kiss girl after girl while 12 year old McKenzie becomes distraught. She’s under the impression that she’s the first girl in the house that Chris kissed and now she doesn’t understand why he’s kissing everyone else. She pulls him aside and confronts him, he has the decency to look ashamed, and then it’s back to the same old tricks.
Chris and Becca share some alone time and she tells him that she isn’t ready to kiss him yet. Well, Becca…you’re the only one. She says it’s because it’s not what she would normally do, I think it’s bcecauseshe didn’t want to share spit with all the other girls in the house. Who can blame her. I mean.
Back at the mansion, a date card comes for Whitney. It says: This date is going to be fun. No whining. Wine country, obviously.
Back on the group date, the crazy kissing and vying for Chris’ attention continues. Why isn’t this group date ever ending? It started in the daytime and now appears to be late night. Any date that lasts THIS long and hasn’t included a Netflix marathon on the couch is torture, in my opinion. Chris awards the group date rose to Becca.
The next day, Chris and Whitney head out on their date. They arrive at a winery where they sit outside and drink wine. At this point, I am not sure how I feel about Whitney. She’s super sweet but when she talks to Chris, she uses the voice I use to talk to small children. I am hoping it’s her nerves because she seems sweet and very down to earth. She asks Chris what he’s looking for in a woman, which I think is a nice change of pace from all the other girls diving straight into kissing. As they talk, they notice a wedding quite a ways down a hill behind them. Surprisingly, Whitney talks him into crashing, so they leave and change clothes and pick up a gift to bring to the reception.
Chis and Whitney creep into the reception while the cameras stay back. On the way in, they come up with a strategy — they will say they are engaged and friends of the groom. If anyone recognizes Chris, they will say that the show is finished taping and he chose her. This is the part where I would begin to hyperventilate. What if they get thrown out? What if people discover that they are liars? I could not handle the pressure.
Surprisingly, no one seems to recognize them. The Bachelor cameras only catch bits and pieces, some of them fuzzy. But it’s obvious that the pair has a great time and is completely adorable. They dance together and it becomes apparent that they share the same dancing style — dorky white person. But it works — it really does. They kiss, she gets the rose, and she is officially the one to beat this season.
The next day, Jimmy and Chris take outdoor shower together., washing each other’s backs. I think we can all agree that Jimmy needs to take Chris Harrison’s job.
Jimmy Kimmel heads back to the mansion and tells the women that there will be no cocktail party. Instead, they will be having a pool party. Jillian immediately runs to her suitcase to find whatever shows the most of her butt. Ashley I. gets super upset because she had a Kim Kardashian inspired evening look all planned out. If only Kim wore skimpy bikinis, Ashley…this could somehow be salvaged. Sigh. A while later, the party is in full swing as Chris cannonballs into the pool. Jullian and Jillain’s butt immediately chases after him.
Juelia decides to pull Chris aside to tell him about her husband committing suicide. As expected, Chris is a great listener, holds her hand, hugging her, and offering words of sympathy. They talk for a long time and seem to bond. He’ll keep her around for the next couple of shows, but she won’t be a finalist. There’s no chemistry at all.
The rest of the party is chaos with everyone vying for Chris’ time. Britt needs reassurance again and takes any opportunity to make out with him.
Jade, who has hardly been seen all season, approaches Chris and asks for a tour of his house. Jillian and Jillian’s butt decides to crash and hops in his hot tub waiting for them. She’s trying to be seductive, but I have decided that there’s a fine line between Seductive Jillian and Scary Jillian. And by fine line, I mean no line.
In the house, Chris and Jade lay in his bed and make out. It is at this point that I notice she is wearing 3 inch heels with her bathing suit. Apparently she’s on vacation from her job on the Price is Right? Who ARE these women?
The couple heads back outside where they are greeted by Jillain. And Jillian’s butt. Ashley I and McKenzie are overcome with jealousy and decide to join — it all feels like some kind of after prom party. Are these girls seriously even grown ups? The girls give Chris some alone time with Jillian, and of course…they kiss. How much can one person kiss in a single day? Does he have to do mouth exercises? Buy stock in Chapstick? I think we can all agree that the Kissing Train has officially jumped the tracks.
Ashley I and McKenzie spy on Chris and decide that enough is enough. They crash his hot tub party with Jillian, who is refusing to let him go. She’s got a vice like grip on his thigh, and Chris sits there giggling nervously. I think we all know who the female would be in that relationship.
Frustrated by Jillian’s antics, Ashely I. sulks off to cry. First her Kim Kardashian look got ruined, and now this. How much more grief can a person handle?
Chris finally breaks away from Jillian and shows up at the house, asking for Ashley I. They go upstairs and she cries, then they kiss…is it just me, or is she awfully….forward for someone who is supposedly so guarded with her physical affection? Every time they kiss she’s trying to get him laying down! I can’t even watch.
It’s finally time for rose ceremony! Thank goodness — I’ve about had it with these women.
Roses go to:
Ashley (Crazy girl)
Nikki (WHO IS SHE?? There’s always that girl who you see at every rose ceremony and are like…what?)
It’s looking like next week will be the episode with the tent drama.
Yes, please! I’ll be watching!