The Women Told All this week on The Bachelor! I’m recapping all the drama.
I’ve never been a huge fan of The Women Tell All episode of The Bachelor, but for the love, Chris has been a snoozefest this season. The women have been the only real interesting thing going on. And by interesting, I mean psychotic.
Let’s get started!
The episode opens up with Chris and Chris crashing Bachelor viewing parties. We are supposed to believe that this is spontaneous, but something tells me they aren’t just wandering the suburbs looking for houses full of middle aged women watching The Bachelor. Come on dudes, seriously.
Of course the women all squeal and scream and completely flip out when Chris and Chris show up. One house is complete drunken chaos. Shots are being poured, glasses are being broken — I’m fairly sure it’s a room full of Megan and Jordan’s former sorority sisters. ALL THE SLURRED WORDS YOU GUYS.
Back to The Women Tell All audience, Chris recaps all the drama from the season. We see a montage of Jillian and the black butt box, Jordan and the twerking, Kelsey and her psychotic cardigan wearing meltdowns, Britt and all the crying, and Carly and all the hand puppet talking. Quite a bunch we’ve got here, friends.
After this, of course Britt goes first. Could it be any other way? She and Carly have a confrontation that ends disappointingly. No screaming or earring removal, just some raised voices and basic white girl whining. Hashtag lame.
Britt then goes on stage to be interviewed by Chris Harrison. Crying, she tells us how her connection with Chris was instant. She’s TOTALLY playing the victim, blaming the end of her relationship with Chris on Carly and Carly alone. Apparently she’s forgotten about her epically awkward group date tantrum, and no one reminds her. Oh, what I’d give for a clip of that to start playing right now.
The rest of her time on stage with Chris is just a giant pity party. Everyone misunderstood her. She actually DID want to live in Arlington. She actually DID want kids. She’s never felt with someone what she felt with Chris. CARLY RUINED EVERYTHING!!
Look, Britt…you lost. Game over. Move on.
Next up is Kelsey’s interview. Chris cues the crazy clips and we watch her cold and calculated manipulation during her time with Chris. She spends her interview calmly defending herself and apologizing — it’s obvious that she’s on a mission to rehab her image. I just wish for once, we’d get a real glimpse of her under the surface crazy. A deep exorcist voiced slip. You KNOW it’s there!
Also, she wiped her snot on Chris Harrison’s silk handkerchief and then laughed. If that doesn’t say coldhearted serial killer, I don’t know what does.
Next up is an interview with Ashley I. Onion/Pomegranate/Mesa Verde. All we glean from this is that yes, she is legitimately crazy and she likes to ride bikes.
BUT!! She did leave us with these parting words, which were easily the best of the night: “While all of them were running around and crying, I was outside picking pomegranates.”
Word, Ashley S. Word.
Next up is Princess Jade. Her footage starts like a fairy tale and ends with her and Chris awkwardly looking at her Playboy photos together. She then tells us that she’s crushed because Chris said in his Bachelor blog that her family described a different Jade than the one he knew and that disturbed him.
Finally it’s Kailyn’s turn, and she DEFINITELY looks like a Bachelorette in training. After we watch a clip of her heartbreak, she sits through an interview with Chris. She reveals that she was truly falling in love with Chris and was absolutely blindsided when he let her go with no warning. I feel terrible for her, which is I’m SURE what ABC wants. Nothing more romantic than a Bachelorette with a broken heart.
Chris finally comes out for his punishment. Of course, Britt wastes no time in making it about her, sobbing loudly and asking to be let on stage. Honestly, people, I can barely even watch. When she arrives on stage, she envelops Chris in a death hug and won’t let go. To the point of awkwardness. I’m thinking girl, I don’t know who he’s ended up with, but she can’t be happy with your hands all over her man right now. Especially if it’s Whitney. You know she’s got a Kentucky side hidden under there.
Britt sits across from Chris, holds his hand, and talks about their electricity and connection. Oh good grief, girl. LET. IT. GO. She tells Chris that she never said the things that Carly said, sobbing and swearing that she truly wanted to live in Arlington. I’ve never been more proud when Chris thanks her, but firmly and distantly lets her know that Carly wasn’t the reason he sent her home.
Britt, you were kind of a brat. Just accept it.
Next is Kaitlyn, who stays normal and sits where she is instead of getting all in Chris’ personal bubble. She asks why her gave her no explanation or warning before letting her go. Sadly, Chris still has no real reason — he basically liked all of them the same amount. Which I’m sure is GREAT news for whoever he chose at the end of this whole thing. Sorry, girl, I just picked a name out of a hat. Let’s get married!
Chris apologizes, his face twitching crazily. That guy can’t be good at poker, that’s for dang sure.
Lastly is Jade, who comes up and sits with Chris to confront him about the Bachelor blog he wrote revealing that looking at her Playboy photos was awkward. Seriously? Yes, Jade, IT WAS AWKWARD. I just saw the PG stuff on TV and I felt awkward myself. Looking at nude photos with a guy you’ve only been on a few dates with is AWKWARD. Stop crying and move on, please.
Honestly, where do they find these women?
The episode closed with a blooper reel and the news that Chris Harrison has written a romance novel. No thanks, Chris. I’m good.
So…let’s talk. Who will he choose next week? Becca? Whitney? Neither? I AM SO TORN!!