I’m pretty sure that all women are familiar with the fact that when compared to men, life doesn’t always seem fair.
Men get grey hair and it makes them look handsomer.
Sweat only proves their toughness, and is not frowned upon.
They do the dishes, and a parade complete with a marching band goes by, singing their praises. Baton twirlers flip their shiny wands around while the cheerleaders yell “Who cares if they’re not totally clean!! He did the dishes YAYAYAYAY!!”
But honestly, none of that really bothers me. Because all of it pales in comparison to the one thing that is REALLY not fair.
Seriously. SERIOUSLY. My husband has like, a tiny facial area to keep groomed.
That’s it. Done. No eyebrow plucking. No knee shaving (or in my case, knee cutting..because my only choices are hairy knees or knees with cuts on them) no hair dyeing, no straining to reach the toenails to put pretty polish on them, and no razor burn on the ol’ armpits.
Just a TINY SECTION of face to maintain.
And instead of keeping his goatee trimmed and his cheeks clean shaven, he lets it grow like a mountain man. And do you know what? Beard hairs are not like normal hair hairs. They are stabby. Like tiny hair swords. THEY HURT OTHER PEOPLE’S FACES.
I used to be all sweet about it and maybe throw a gentle “when’s the last time you shaved, babe?” out there as a subtle hint. But as the years have worn on, I’ve resorted to my old stand-by–annoy him into doing what I want.
“Honey, is there blood on my back? I’m pretty sure you stabbed it with your weapon beard last night when you snuggled up to me while we were sleeping”.
“Babe, why are you so sad? Oh, you’re not sad? I guess that heavy hair is dragging your face down all frowny”.
“Why are you attacking me? Oh, you’re trying to give me a kiss? All I know is I saw sharp needles disguised as hairs coming at my face”
And as a last resort:
“Wow, I can’t believe how many white hairs are growing in your beard nowadays. I guess you are super old after all”.
And before you start pitying my husband, please know that if my legs looked half as hairy as his face, I would be hearing about it. Trust.
Also, he is champion of spider killing, excellent at bringing home the bacon , and he always resweeps the floor after I do it because he’s way better at it. Yes, there is such a think as being good at sweeping. Trust me, he could go professional.
But he is not a champion shaver. He is not even a bronze medalist shaver. He IS, however, a gold medalist at growing a weapon on his face.
And as my bad luck would have it, he’s out of town on a man trip (a MANCATION!! I shouted gleefully at him, while he tried to ignore the cute little word and look tough and talk about fishing and hiking) which means that the house is significantly less safe without his beard of destruction around. I’ve been sleeping with a lamp on and my pepper spray aimed towards the attic, in case the killer hobo gets any crazy ideas and decides to come out.
Every night is a battle and honestly I just wake up thinking that it’s a miracle I made it out alive.
However, I am making sure to take breaks from defending the household and my life to bake up the occasional treat. These brownies aren’t even a recipe and barely merit posting, but we all have times when we need a cute holiday treat and are short on time.
Bake a pan of brownies according to your recipe/box but when they’re done, remove from oven and DON’T turn the oven off. Immediately sprinkle the surface generously with mini marshmallows (for a 9×13 pan you’ll probably need 3-4 cups) and about a cup of assorted candy. I used Fall colored M&Ms and Candy Corn, but you really could use anything. For Christmas you could find some red, white and green candy that would look really cute and festive too.
Once you’ve got it all sprinkled on, place back in the oven for a few minutes, just until marshmallows puff up and start to barely melt into each other. Remove from oven and cool completely before cutting.
Thanks for reading and have a happy day!!