Remember last week when I was all, “wah wah I had a nervous breakdown and wasted a perfectly good sandwich worrying that I’m a bad mom blah blah blah”??
I was still under the influence of the guilt and shame that inevitably comes with motherhood when I agreed to take my son to an afternoon showing of The Smurfs in 3D.
Because nothing says “I love you, I’m a good mother, I’m totally worthy of raising a small human person” like seeing a cute childhood cartoon made not only creepy and lifelike on the big screen, but also in 3D, thus raising the creep factor by like seventeen thousand.
And it had been so long since we had seen a 3D movie that I had totally forgotten about how the glasses bother me. But about ten minutes in, they were seriously cutting into my face.
I realize that I’m not all engineerical, but from what I could gather, there is a flat part right above the nose thing that creates a sharp little corner. The way the glasses sit on my face, the sharp part stabs right between the bridge of my nose and where my forehead starts.
It was so painful and uncomfortable that I thought perhaps I had grabbed a bad pair of glasses.Â I tried my son’s pair, but no such luck. They were still stabbing me in the face, torturing me with their futuristicness.
I began scanning the theater, looking for someone, ANYONE, who seemed to be in similar discomfort.
Not. A. Soul.
And I finally came to the only conclusion that one can reach in such a situation.
I have a deformed face.
My features are misshapen.Â Â Odd.Â Â Â Un-normal humanish.
Distraught, I shared my findings with my husband later that evening. And although he tried to disagree with me, I kept reminding him that 3D inventor people are very high-tech. It’s the wave of the FUTURE after all!! Surely they did countless weeks, months, years, of research, designing glasses that would fit the faces of moviegoers.Â OBVIOUSLY,Â I am an anomaly.
Kristan “weirdface” Roland.
Frustrated with the conversation, my husband finally began to retreat upstairs, claiming that “3D movies are overrated anyways”.
I was all, “THEY ARE THE FUTURE and my misshapen face is holding me BACK!!Â I guess I’ll just hang out with Laura Ingalls with my weird face and sew or spin shiny pennies”.
That’s the part of the conversation where my husband finally decided to go watch TV and contemplate a time when he first married me and he thought I was normal and I didn’t threaten to hang out with dead pioneer wilderness people.
Anyways, now that I’ve discovered that I have a weird face and I have to be old-timey, I decided to make some old timeyish candy.
That makes sense, right?
Good news all around!!
3 dozen flat marshmallows (they’re called StackerMallows and they canÂ be found at Wal Mart with all the other marshmallows)
11 oz bag caramel bits (you could also just use a bag of unwrapped caramels, they just take much longer to melt)
2 TBS heavy cream
2 1/2 cups lightly salted, roasted peanuts
32 oz chocolate almond bark/candy coating
Set your marshmallows on a sheet of wax paper.Â In a microwave safe bowl, melt caramel bits and heavy cream for about 2 minutes or until smooth and melted, stopping to stir every 15 seconds.Â Working 3 at a time, spoon/spread caramel over top of marshmallows and immediately top with peanuts, pressing in gently.Â Once all marshmallows are topped with caramel and peanuts, let set for about 30 minutes or until caramel is firm.Â
Melt chocolate according to package directions and coat candies generously, placing back on wax paper to harden.
Isn’t that one of the easiest things you’ve heard of in your life?Â I know candy is more of a winterey thing, but in this heat, I am all about the no-bake recipes.
If you need me, I’ll be in my room. Eating old timey candy and spinning shiny pennies.
With my weird face.
Have a wonderful day!! Thanks for stopping by!!