Before I start with my regular Friday nonsense, I do have something that happened this week that I’d like to share. I’ve struggled over whether or not I wanted to talk about it, but ultimately, I feel like I need to. Not just for myself, but for others who have been, will be, or know someone in my situation, and for people who know my personal story and have offered love and support.
Many of you might remember THIS POST I did about my experience with abuse. It was a crappy, although necessary post to write, and one that I dreaded and feared for a long time. Ultimately though, I am more than a victim. I am a mom. And as a mom, I have a moral obligation to show my scars with no shame or fear. There are children in the world who need that to pull strength from, and I cannot use my selfish wish to be “normal” and “fit in” to shun them of that. How can I tell my kids that they should speak up and know they will believed and loved if anyone ever hurts them, if I hide what happened to me like I did something wrong?
It’s just not an option.
With all that being said, sometimes the abuser going to prison isn’t the end of the story (although I wish it was).
Awhile back, I found out that my dad had been granted parole and would be released June 25th of this year. After making some calls, I found out that he is being paroled to Kettering, Ohio. Bad for the people of Kettering, but it gave me peace to know that I wouldn’t be running into him at the grocery store. For the past week or so, I’ve been dreading Monday and feeling just sick. Because although it shouldn’t really affect my every day life, I have not had to live in a world where the man that hurt me was free since I was a teenager. It’s kind of a scary feeling.
This past Wednesday, I got a call that he was released early, and was out that day. I was on my way to take Jon David to eat pizza for lunch, and it really threw me for a loop. I had kind of pushed it away, thinking I’d deal with it Monday, and just wasn’t prepared. Of course I took Jon David for his pizza, and later gave myself time to sit and think.
I have no anger or wish for revenge. My only concerns about his release are if they affect my safety or ability to live a happy life with my family. Hopefully, they won’t.
I’d like to say that the time in prison has given him time to reflect and change, but I don’t know. What does 15 years in prison do to a person? Can any of us really say?
Of course, my husband and I have taken safety measures, and there is a no contact order in place. I am hopeful that I can continue to live as I have, and it will not affect me in the slightest.
I tell you all of this because you need to know that something like this is never truly over. As a teenager, it was hard to imagine the day when I’d have to worry about him again. But here I am, 32, with a 7 year old and a baby on the way, worried and scared.
I am not a drama queen. I don’t talk about this much at home or to friends. I don’t want what he did to be who I am.
BUT. I am scared. I am sad. And one day, this baby will be born, and it will get older, and want to know about my parents.
And although it kills me…I will tell the truth.
If you are in a similar situation, please know that there are people who understand. But also know that unfortunately, you can’t push it away forever. Times like this will come, where you will be forced to face it. Do so with courage and grace.
If you know someone in a similar situation, never take mistake silence for contentment. Sometimes a hug, a simple, “how are you today?” or a plate of cookies (okay, ALWAYS a plate of cookies) goes a long way.
Now that THAT mess is out of the way, let’s talk about the GOOD stuff that happened this week. Want to?
First — baby started kicking!! I felt the first wiggles on Father’s Day, and have felt pops, nudges, and swimmy movements every day since.
Second — I’m hungry. Alllllll the time. It’s great!! I just eat when I feel like I need to and feel zero guilt.
Third — I sent Jon David to work with his daddy one day this week. Did I feel totally guilty and like a bad mom? YES. Did I love going 8 hours without answering questions and watching True Blood while I ate lunch (and ice cream). YES!!!! Sometimes, you gotta do what you gotta do for your sanity.
Wanna see what ELSE I did this week?
I made Strawberry Lemonade Popsicles!! Only 3 ingredients and they taste great!!
Are you watching the Real Housewives of New Jersey? It’s a hot mess and I love every minute. I’ve got a recap of the latest episode up HERE.
Cherry Cheesecake Cookies!! Don’t go another day without them in your life.
Don’t forget, we’ve also got weekly Bachelorette and True Blood recaps on That’s What She WE Said, as well as Summer book recommendations and meal plans every Monday.
Enjoy your Friday and have a fabulous weekend!!