I’m recapping episode two of The Bachelor with Nick Viall.
The episode opened with the women toasting to each other with mimosas. Super precious, considering they will be ready to claw each other’s faces off by the next rose ceremony. Also, is anyone else troubled by the perfectly pressed pajamas and super fresh “no make-up make-up” the girls sport every morning? I basically live for that moment when I swipe my make up off and pull my raggedy sweats onto my body.
Christen though…she’s not playing the “I woke up like this” game. MISS TULSA IS LIVING WITH AUTHENTICITY AND I AM HERE FOR IT.
The first date card arrives at the mansion and it is addressed to: Corinne, Vanessa, Sarah, Alexis, Hailey, Lacey, Brittany, Jasmine, Raven, Danielle L., Taylor, and Elizabeth L. It reads, “Always a bridesmaid…”
The girls run outside where three convertibles await. They pile in and somehow automatically know where to go, which is weird. Like…I kind of feel like I need to see them fight about is was sitting where and then get frustrated with Google maps in order for this to feel authentic.
The girls pull up to a gorgeous location where they learn that they will be shooting wedding photos with Nick. Nothing like cutting right to the chase, am I right? The girls all pretend that this is exciting instead of what it really is — the most awkward first date in the history of the planet earth. Not only that, but it’s a competition — hooray for girls in wedding dresses killing each other!
Each of the brides has a “theme.” Alexis, bless her precious heart, thinks that being a shotgun bride means that she will be posing sexily with a gun, not with a prosthetic baby belly. And Corinne is fully confident that she is the sexiest bride at the shoot until she sees Brittany AKA “Eve bride,” who is literally wearing nothing but a tiny bikini bottom made of fake leaves.
Never in my life have I been so happy to see a woman wearing fake leaves. Corinne’s face just falls and it is amazing. It’s like someone took all of her hopes and dreams and flushed them down a port-a-potty.
The photo session begins and the girls sit in agony watching Nick pose for photos with everyone. And I mean…some of the photos sessions get a leeeetle steamy. Corinne’s photo shoot comes right on the heels of Brittany’s Eve, so naturally, she decides that removing HER top is the way to win Nick’s heart.
These girls DO realize that Nick is looking for…a wife, correct? Are her parents watching? Is it weird that I always wonder that?
Unfortunately, Corinne wins the photo shoot, which is just further proof that Jesus doesn’t always answer our prayers. Especially when they are Bachelor prayers.
The group heads to a rooftop bar for drunken conversation, where Corinne gleefully lets us know that Nick held her boobs today in a way that was unlike any man has done before.
Are there that many ways to hold boobs? It seems pretty straightforward but maybe I’ve been missing out on something?
Raven and Nick have a surprisingly sweet one-on-one conversation (maybe she’ll grow on me?) and she reveals that her previous boyfriend cheated on her. Back at the mansion, a date cared arrives addressed to Danielle M. It reads “Our relationship is about to take off…” And then Liz almost explodes.
Also, does anyone else NOT recognize Liz in no make-up and glasses?
In typical villain fashion, Corinne steps on toes by interrupting another girl’s time when she’d already been alone with Nick, then returns and tells the other girls that she thinks her nipple was out while she was talking to him. CAN WE JUST HAVE ONE SEASON WITHOUT HATING SOMEONE. WE ARE COMING RIGHT OFF OF AN ELECTION FOR THE LOVE.
Things come to a head when Taylor interrupts Corinne’s THIRD time with Nick after Corinne had interrupted her only time with him. Corinne starts throwing around phrases like, “not classy” and I was like GIRL YOU ARE THE ONE WHO SAYS YOU HAVE A PLATINUM VAGEEN. And then — THEN!! As if we haven’t been put through enough, Nick decides to give Corinne the group date rose.
The next day, Danielle M. meets Nick for their date, which starts with a helicopter ride that takes them to a yacht. While the two of them are in their own private paradise, Liz is in agony back at the mansion. Agony because she’s holding on to her BIG SECRET and she can’t keep it to herself any longer. And that secret is that she slept with Nick at Jade and Tanner’s wedding.
Yes…this. This is what’s eating her up inside and causing her such tremendous torment. Insert massive eye roll and gagging emoji.
Such is Liz’s torment that she pulls Christen aside to rid herself of her secret. And of course, Christen is all “oh yes, we are such good friends and I would never tell anyone any of this. Now spill more details so I can not share them with anyone ever.”
While Nick and Danielle M. enjoy a hot tub on their private yacht, Liz continues Mission Blow Up Nick’s Game, regaling Christen with all of her tales of their tryst. Apparently this is a multi-part saga, because at some point in the conversation they are wearing different outfits and have different hair styles. Okay, then.
Back on the date, Danielle and Nick sit down to dinner on a quaint little boardwalk. Of course, they sit at the tiniest table in the land because heaven forbid there’s actually room for anything besides wine and the sound of their knees knocking against each other underneath. Danielle shares with Nick that her previous fiance overdosed on drugs and I immediately see what Nick has going for him besides his abs. His listening face is on fleek and he’s incredibly empathetic and understanding.
Danielle gets the date rose, they kiss, and I fall a little more in love with Nick. And the abs attached to him.
A date card arrives at the mansion addressed to: Christen, Josephine, Astrid, Jaimi, Kristina, and Liz. It reads, “We need to talk…”
Oh Liz…no one-on-one date for you. So sorry. Not.
The next morning, the girls meet Nick in downtown Hollywood for their date. The group heads to the Museum of Broken Relationships, where they find out that they’ll be staging fake break-ups with Nick in front of an audience. The fake break-ups are lighthearted and actually pretty fun and hilarious.
Until…we get to Liz, who is left until last. And we quickly begin to see why as she awkwardly attempts to force Nick into eye contact while reading a “speech” describing their first encounter at Jade and Tanner’s wedding. Her “break-up” with him ended with her blaming HIM for not contacting her after their wedding hook-up, telling him that she wished he would have fought with her.
LIZ WHAT ARE YOU DOING. EVERYONE IS CONFUSED AND WE DON’T KNOW IF THIS IS REAL. WHY ARE YOU MAKING NICK MAKE BAD FACES?
Later that evening, the group heads to a rooftop bar for drinks and time to talk to Nick. And although Nick attempts to sit and get to know the girls one-by-one, he’s having difficulty taking his mind off of the epic nightmare that is Liz the Group Date Hijacker.
While Nick and Christen talk, he finds out that Liz confided in Christen about their night together. He upset and understandably so — Liz refused to give him her phone number, blindsided him on his first night as The Bachelor, and is now sharing intimate details about their time together without first resolving things with him.
She’s going home. I can feel it and it feels good.
Nick wastes no time in pulling Liz aside to confront her about her true intentions. His concern is that she’s simply on the show to get famous — if she wanted to get to know Nick better, he had given her a clear opening and not only did she refuse to give him her phone number, but proceeded to make no attempt to contact him through Jade or Tanner.
Liz stutters around about how much she dislikes phone conversations and refused to give him her number because she “didn’t know him that well.” Apparently she knew him well enough to sleep with him and go on television to date him, but exchanging phone numbers is where she draws the line. Like…what does she do when she orders pizza delivery and the guy needs her phone number? Is she all, “Whoa, bro…too soon, too soon” and then has sex with him instead?
I AM SO CONFUSED.
Nick tells her to go home, I cheer, and Corinne immediately takes her place at the top of my MOST HATED LIST. Don’t stop now, Nick! It’s time to keep taking out the trash.
Knowing that it’s inevitable that the other women will find out about the whole fiasco, Nick returns to the date and decides to tell the women about his night with Liz.