Since Lucy is a month old today, I thought I’d pop in with an update.
Can you believe a month already?
Well….I sorta can.
To be honest, it’s been a rough month. Lucy has brought so much love and joy into my life, and I absolutely LOVE holding my sweet baby, but it’s hard at times. She’s fussy, doesn’t sleep much, and wants to nurse almost constantly — it’s a comfort thing. She loves to be soothed.
A big part of me absolutely LOVES that she needs me so much…but the other part of me is completely drained. I live on little to no sleep — she doesn’t nap much, so napping while she naps is hardly ever an option, and there are times that I just resent anyone who is clean and gets even 6 hours of sleep at night.
I’m not saying this to complain but I’m saying it to be honest…because there have been days that I feel like I’m doing something wrong. Why does it look so easy for all the other moms? Why do all the moms look so cute and productive? Why can THEY get all this stuff done with a baby and I can’t?
WHY AREN’T I WINNING AT MOM-NESS??
The truth is, I’m not doing anything wrong. All babies are different, and raising them is hard on all of us. And I truly hope that in sharing an HONEST depiction of my days, I can reassure some of you who have or will one day have tough days too.
However — every rough day is worth it a million percent.
Lucy is starting to smile, and be more alert. I love watching her eyes follow me around the room as she tries to figure things out. And she’s so cute and snuggly, it’s hard NOT to hold her and love on her every second, even when I feel like I could fall asleep standing up.
We had a pediatrician appointment this morning, and unfortunately, they are concerned about her weight.
She has been gaining weight every week, but she is still in the 2% for her age…meaning she is smaller than 98% of one month old babies.
The doctor suspects that because she is nursing so often, she is not giving me enough time to replenish my supply. So we are going to work on recognizing when she’s actually EATING, and when she is just soothing, and also try to get her in a bassinet at night instead of the two of us sleeping on the couch all night with her latched on.
We will go back in two weeks to see how she has progressed and I have faith that we can get her feeding issues worked out. Some babies are just a little small, and that’s okay. Other than the weight issue, she is very healthy and they are happy with where she’s at.
Jon David is doing great.
He loves holding his sister and talking to her, I don’t have the heart to tell him she has no idea what he is talking about. But I’m so glad that he is bonding with her and loves her so much.
A huge part of me feels a lot of guilt that I can’t give him a lot of attention lately. But he is so good about it and so patient. I’m really thankful to have been blessed with such an understanding kid. I have a feeling he will be an excellent husband to someone someday.
With this post being an update on my kid, I feel like I should at least address the shooting in Connecticut last week.
Like you, it completely devastated me. All I could do was hold Lucy and cry for those parents, and those sweet babies. I think for me, the hardest thing was realizing that those poor kids had to die in fear, without their parents there to comfort them. As a mom, it would be extremely hard to accept that, and my heart truly breaks for those parents who have to sit and wonder about their children’s last moments.
There has been a lot of talk about what we should do — gun laws, more religion in schools, tougher laws, more security… honestly, I don’t even know where to start. And although some of that may help the situation, it doesn’t change the sorrow in the hearts of that community, and the families of those teachers and children. So I’m not going to pretend to have any answers.
Like you, it also made me hug my kids tighter and thank God for every moment with them. But I also know, that I am flawed. Raising kids is hard. There will be days this week, next week, next month, where I forget how lucky I am, and get snippy over a coat thrown on the floor or an unfinished dinner. It’s what happens, and it’s okay. It doesn’t mean I love my babies any less.
But what I DO know is this — I can catch myself, and look outside of those moments.
Yesterday, as Lucy was screaming, I scrambled to the kitchen to throw together a peanut butter sandwich. I was starving, unshowered, exhausted, and hadn’t eaten since hours earlier. I was planning on eating while I nursed her, and felt so tired and frustrated as I looked through the cupboard for the peanut butter. As I was looking, I noticed the meal I had thawing in the crockpot – I froze meals while I was pregnant so I wouldn’t have to cook right after the baby was born. In that moment, I thought about Lucy being an adult and having her own kids. I thought about how I’d go to her house and stock her freezer. I’d hold her baby so she could nap, I’d fold her laundry while she nursed, I’d drive her crazy with unsolicited advice… there are so many memories I have to look forward to, when I look outside of the tough parts.
Then I thought about all the parents who are in the toughest part of their lives, and all those unfulfilled moments are gone. They cannot look to grandbabies, and weddings, and college graduations to get them out of this tough time.
And then I counted my blessings.
So I don’t know. I’m not an expert.
But maybe the best way to honor those families is to recognize that we are human.
We have bad days.
We get mad at our kids sometimes.
But we can cherish the fact that we can look outside of that to a future we are blessed to still be able to imagine.
Again, thank you so much for all the kind words and emails and Facebook messages. I appreciate it so very much, and I hope you have a great Wednesday.