Monster Cookies
The other night, my husband decided to take our son camping overnight.
Obviously, this sounded totally great. Male bonding and blah blah blah, but the problem was that I haven’t been COMPLETELY home alone for an entire night in at least 8 years. I mean, my husband is gone from time to time, but I always have Jon David here to sleep in bed with me so he can defend me from killers or whatever.
I really don’t know why I think that a 7 year old in my bed is a magical anti-murder talisman, but somehow it works that way in my mind. PLUS, I have never been killed while he slept in my bed, so apparently it does work.
Normally when my husband is leaving for a night, I spend days working up a plan. Like, how I will defend myself (a gun, obviously…but I’m always torn between shooting them in the heart, or in the you know what), if I’ll call 911 FIRST and THEN shoot, or shoot and THEN call 911, and sometimes I even practice my 911 call voice.
I know from all the crime shows that I watch that these calls are usually played on TV later, so I want to make sure I have the appropriate combination of bravery and terror in my voice. I mean, most of the photos we have of me don’t even look like me because they’re at a bad angle or I was making an in-between face or whatever, so my 911 tape is really the only chance I have at coming across as a semi-normal human being.
This time though, I was kind of in denial because both boys were leaving, so I didn’t really formulate a good plan in advance. Once they left, I spent most of the daylight hours watching 16 and Pregnant reruns. It’s kind of a stressful show, but I find that it makes me feel self righteous, and I spent a great deal of time yelling at the TV, which distracted me from the growing sense of fear and dread that increased as it got closer to nighttime.
One it was totally dark out, I started cleaning the house. I know that mopping and dusting at 9 pm isn’t very normal, but I knew it would keep me busy and wear me out. Plus, cleaning supplies are men repellants, so I knew that as long as I immersed myself in dust and grime, no man would try to intrude.
It was 11 pm by the time I was finished cleaning and sat down with a bowl of Kraft macaroni and Crazy, Stupid, Love. I decided to just spend the night on the couch, because I have a direct line of vision with the front door, so if someone was trying to get in I would wake up immediately.
Sadly, it turns out that my couch isn’t really a good sleeping couch, so it was a bad night all around. Finally around 5 30 am I decided to head upstairs to bed (most people get murdered around like, 3 am I bet…once you’re in the 5′s, I think you’re fine) and slept until after 10.
Basically, the whole thing was exhausting.
But on a good note — I didn’t get killed!! Which is always a good day.
Also, my husband took this picture on their camping trip:
Which made the fact that I almost died from murder totally worth it.
Before the boys left on their camping trip, I made a batch of Monster Cookies for them to take with them. I hadn’t made Monster Cookies in a few years because my husband said he didn’t really like them. So this time, I just baked them and when my husband asked what kind they were, I said, “Peanut Butter Oatmeal” then he took a bite and said they were some of the best cookies he’d ever had.
Sometimes lying to your husband about food is just plain ol’ for their own good.
I’ve combined several different recipes and added a few things of my own until I came up with a recipe I liked. In my opinion, these are perfect — not too soft, not too chewy, with just the right amount of candy.
These are a great way to use up some of your leftover Easter Candy!! Those stinky kids won’t even notice it’s gone.Monster Cookies
INGREDIENTS
- 1 1/4 cups packed brown sugar
- 1 cup white sugar
- 3 eggs
- 1 stick of softened butter
- 1 1/2 cups smooth peanut butter
- 1 teaspoon vanilla
- 3 cups assorted candies — I used 1/2 cup Reese’s Pieces, 1/2 cup M&M’s, 1 cup chopped Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, and 1 cup chopped Kit Kat bars
- 2 teaspoons baking soda
- 1/2 teaspoon salt
- 2 cups quick cooking (not instant) oats
- 2 cups old fashioned oats
INSTRUCTIONS
1. Preheat oven to 350.
2. In the bowl of a mixer, beat eggs and both sugars on medium until smooth and combined. Add vanilla, peanut butter and butter and beat again on medium until smooth. Mix in the oats, baking soda, and salt. Fold in candies.
3. Scoop cookie dough with a large cookie scoop onto ungreased baking sheets. Bake for about 10 minutes, until edges are lightly browned. Let cool on baking sheets for several minutes before using a spatula to remove to wire rack.
Makes about 4 dozen large cookies
Enjoy and have a happy Monday!!
Thanks for visiting my blog! I realize you could be doing more important things with your time. Like watching the news or washing socks. I hope you stay awhile. Much more fun than socks, I promise. 
This is why you need a dog(s) to keep you company & safe. Ours bark whenever someone is coming in the door. I’m safe as can be. Cookies look great, can’t wait to try them.
I also think you need a dog. Of course, my husband is out late one night a week, and I have a BIG dog (mastiff mix mutt). She’s a very quiet dog, but sometimes she’ll kind of woof and look out the windows, and then I’m positive someone or something is out there, stalking us. I *think* the dog would protect me, but you never really know until something happens. She’s more of a coward who is inclined to lick ears usually.
I laughed so hard while reading this. Over the 20 some years of being married to someone who works lots of nights, I enjoyed your version of “Home Alone”. I’ve never been afraid of being in my house by myself except when I find a huge spider or bug. My son and I could write a book on the humorous stories of bug killing that go on when hubby is away. Thanks for the great read.
Oh my gosh….I can totally eat these as there is no flour so I will get gluten free oats and my cookie longing will be satisfied! I am so happy right now. Ssssssooooooooo glad you didn’t get murdered so you could post this and make my day!
Jww
And the photo….awesome!
I’ve heard people don’t get killed in the 5′s either, so you waited til the right time to go upstairs.
Also, I practice my in-between face. For real. I have it down to an art.
Annnnd, lying to men is necessary. You’re just looking out for them, really.
haha..i loved this post..i plan those kind of “what if a killer sneaks in” kind of things too..lol..and i also lie to my husband about food..its the only way to get him to eat sort of healthy…dont ge tme wrong we all love junk food but men are a special type, its hard to get them to eat anything healthy..ive lied about tofu, spinach, broccoli,etc..what ever is gonna keep him alive, strong and well to protect us from thoose “what if” killers!!
love, love, love it.
these definitely sound like my type of cookie! i love oats in cookies… i think i trick myself because oats are quite wholesome, so it balances out all the lollies!
and also: YOUR SON IS SO CUTE!
that photo made me laugh so hard. :)
Your little boy is a cutie pie! Love the recipe and the story.
I laughed so hard when I read this!! I have done the same thing when my husband has been gone overnight. I pile my three girls in my bedroom. I usually grab a stupid weapon like a pair of sewing scissors and tuck them in the bed frame. And you are right on about the 3 am thing! Cute photo of your son and the fish – I look forward to reading your blog :)
Such a precious photo! So proud! ;-) And these cookies look incredible! I think I’d be safe from a murderer with just these…simply hand them a plate of ‘em! ;-)
You’re too funny. But I totally get it. I’ve cleaned at midnight and also have rented and watched 3 movies in one night when Randy has traveled. I hate it.
And that picture of John David? Oh my word … precious!
You sound just like me! In the past 3 years, I’ve only spent about 4 nights alone and I was terrified that I was going to get murdered, too. Really childish but I can’t sleep in the living room, because murderers would most likely come through the balcony doors so I’m safer in the bedroom where I’ve got time to escape from the other balcony door. Love your cookies! I’m really loving oatmeal at the minute and think it’s a great addition to these cookies.
How cute is your little sweetie?? I love that story. You’d totally die at my house… my husband travels like 50% of the year. It actually works for me, since I can stay up late blogging and no one is bugging me… and we’re ready for a break after a few days anyway. It makes the time that he is here that much more special :) (OH, and I always make sure the doors are completely locked at all times!!)
LOVE that photo and I love these cookies! Bring on the candy!
I saw the picture when you tweeted it. So adorable and I can imagine how excited and proud your son was when he arrived home to tell you all about his big catch!
P.S. Hope they didn’t use these gorgeous cookies as bait ;)
Totally glad you didn’t die. Although, y’know, I bet if you’d saved a few of these cookies and thrown them at potential murderers, they would have been so distracted by their deliciousness that you’d have had time to get away… Thoughts for next camping trip. ;)
oh my goodness, you make me want to pee my pants every time I read your blog – - you’re hilarious!! I’m glad you made it though the night, anytime I’m home alone – I sleep on the couch too … with the t.v on. Obviously if there are lights flickering with the t.v being on – - no one will want to mess with you .. I think.
Great cookies, and I’m all for lying to loved ones, especially in this case – - it was all for delicious cookies!!
ugghh I HATE sleeping in my house alone. And yes, you’re definitely safe once you hit the “5′s”. :)
You kill me girl! Super funny and the perfect way to start the week. Happy Monday!
I love reading your blog. I get ooked out if I ever have to be at home at night without the hubby too. Then I have to remind myself that at one point I lived by myself, in an apt on the ground floor, behind a cemetery. Then I realize no ghostie, ghoulie, or guy “got” me and I’m fine…at least until one of the cats makes as much noise as a person walking up the stairs.
Hi! Just headed over after seeing your post on My Baking Addiction. You are hilarious!! Just woke up my fiance by laughing so hard!! I have an escape plan incase someone comes to get me when he is away, also taught our dog to run around the perimeter of our property to check for baddies. If she saw one she would just lick them though… Also with you on the bad reality TV, just don’t accidentally watch a scary movie or click onto the crime channel.
Have subscribed to your blog – can’t wait to read more!
[...] Monster Cookies from Cookbook Queen [...]
[...] Monster Cookies from Cookbook Queen [...]
OH, OH , OH…I am rotflol, you cracked me up! thank you
The photo of your little one is priceless.
Like the others who commented here I sure am glad you are here to tell us your hysterical story.
Oh my gosh! Your post made me laugh out loud, literally! I do the same things when my husband is out of town (minus the gun since we don’t own one and practicing the 911 call hehe). Why do we feel safer with a small child in our bed? haha. I like to think that at least they are with me, so I could save us both. Great photo taken by your husband and the cookies look fantastic. Can’t wait to try them … in a few weeks … once I recover from all of the Easter candy I ate yesterday haha.
Monster cookies are my absolute favorite. My neighbor brought us some the day we moved in, and I have never looked back. They’re better than…shhh…chocolate chip, IMO. Love the fish picture. SO CUTE!
I have two dogs so I like to pretend that I’m fine when my husband goes away but I always end up falling asleep with the light on and then having to groggily get up and turn it off around 4 in the morning. Your cookies look really yummy and John David is cute as ever!
I love that photo of your boy!! These monster cookies look like the perfect way to use up all my leftover Easter candy :) Perfect recipe for Easter Monday! :)
Great picture of your son, looks like he had a great time! Glad you made it out alive.
Always lie to your husband about food, it is for their own good!
Glad you survived the night! I loved your post. So true about cleaning products being a man repellant! I never see one near by when I have them out.
Tell Jon David that is one big fish! Do they make you cook it? My son always wants me to cook his. Luckily his have been sort of small so there is only enough fish for him!
No, he threw it back. Thank goodness. I’m not a fish cooking kind of girl.
My “anti-murder” plan involves the large wooden baseball bat that’s hidden under my bed. Well, that and the totally wicked kung-fu moves that I learned about 20 years ago and still practice in front of the mirror. Love the cookies, love the picture of your son!
This was a great post!!!! I laughed while reading! And thought, wow, she things like I do sometimes!!! I agree that a dog would be awesome! I have a Doberman and he comes in handy with barking the minute someone is too close to the house (which really isn’t often, but still he’s good!) Those cookies look awesome!
Love the fish picture!!
Ok, so FiRST….I HATE when my hubby is out-of-town. Kiddo used to sleep in the bed with me, until one day my husband said, “at exactly what age is this going to stop?” So, now he sleeps in his own bed and me in mine and *I* plan how I’m going to get to his room, call 911 AND take down the murderer at the same time. I’ve never practiced my 911 voice, though.
And this…”(most people get murdered around like, 3 am I bet…once you’re in the 5?s, I think you’re fine) “? You have NO idea how many times I’ve thought that. It’s amazing how well you can sleep between 5am and 6:30.
AND…I totally lie to Mr. E about food. He says he doesn’t like Nutella, so anything made with Nutella is just “chocolate.” And guess what? He loves it. Weird.
Making these cookies!
OH! And I love that picture of Jon David. ?
That darn question mark is supposed to be a HEART! I forget it doesn’t work everywhere. (I will stop commentating now.)
I love you. The end.
I love that you practiced your 911 voice, just in case. Smart plan. You can’t be too high pitched and screamy, or they can’t make out a word you’re saying. And if you sound too calm and you actually shoot your intruder, you’ll sound premeditated. This has been truly educational. I will be putting this into action the next time The Complete Package travels for business. Practice my 911 voice, clean everything, mac & chez, prep for my mug shot, practice the 911 call one more time, watch chick flick, then sleep on sofa. Wait… did I miss the ice cream step? There’s usually an ice cream step in there somewhere. :)
Actually…I did eat some Ben & Jerry’s Pistachio Pistachio. How did you know???
I do the exact same thing!
I stay up waaaay too late when I’m alone, eat crap food, watch 16 & pregnant (and get extremely self-righteous, also), then clean at night (when it’s too dark to see the dust) to exhaust myself.
And yes–most murders occur between 3 & 4am, so when the clock rolls to 5am, I zonk out. Then the alarm goes off at 6am and I hate myself for being a little girl in a woman’s body.
WHAT A FISH! Wow. I am so impressed. You’re right about getting out the vacuum in order to scare a man away. There’s another way. Get a dog. Everyone is right. A dog may not be able to save you, but they’ll give you time to call 911. I have the world’s most protective 8 pound Pomeranian. I’m not sure he’d lay down his life for me — but he’d let me know they’re on the way. I live all alone in the big city and have for many years. I’ve never worried. Happily, I live in a great neighborhood where there hasn’t been a break-in (at any time of the day or night) for at least forty years. But. I have a yappy dog. A neighbor on one side has two of the world’s scariest dogs. Three other neighbors around me have dogs. I feel very safe. Next time you have to be alone, call me. I’ll bring the world’s fluffinest, yappiest dog over to keep you safe. And we can eat Ben & Jerry’s Chocolate Espresso Heath Bar Crunch, without a doubt the world’s best ice cream.
The whole near death thing was *almost* worth it for the pic of Jon David! Ps…the sad truth is that I love monster cookies, so I can never make them :-(
I’m glad to know that I’m not alone! I plan my attack on intruders anytime my husband is working late. I literally do the same thing you do, finally fall asleep after killing hours. Then as I’m falling asleep I’m telling myself “Well if it were a true killa’ then he would know that I think he’s not coming after 5 and sneak in here between 5 and daylight and then I’m dead”. Who knows what my reaction will be if ever my killa’ is a woman.
Your writing is always so entertaining. I understand totally about how imagination takes over in such circumstances. Really, doing that kind of thinking about how you would handle things is good practice for the real thing. I don’t worry so much about being home alone, but walking across a nearby bridge turns my imagination on high gear and now I turn my thoughts into stories, such as… http://www.helium.com/items/2305478-flash-fiction-on-a-bridge.
I also like the way you approach cookies — everything but the kitchen sink! Love your posts, your photos (adorable guy with the fish!), and your recipes. Keep it up, you have such talent!
You are my new favorite blog. Your posts have me laughing aloud, like a moron, alone in my living room. And I TOTALLY understand the fear of being home alone at night – I am the same way, and I too use my children in bed as murder deterrent. Yes, even the 11 month old…
[...] there a lot of leftover Easter candy at your house? Chop it up and put it in these Monster Cookies. Stuff that caught my eye this [...]
Love it me and my little Serenity made these yesterday :) Posted them on my blog. Thanks for the awesome idea!!
Okay that picture of your son is the meaning of awesomeness. How freaking cute?!
I loved the post! Chuckled the whole way through! But I think I’m the only one with a question about the recipe! So I’m kind of embarrassed. But I’m asking anyway cuz I really want to make these cookies. Does the recipe really take 4 cups of oatmeal?