What to do when confronted with a very large brown spider in your laundry room:
1. Scream (obviously)
2. Call your husband at work to see how far away he is from home. Once you determine that he is an hour away and not willing to make the drive back to the house, bemoan the fact that he is not independently wealthy. If he were, he would not be at work which means that he would be home and readily available to kill spiders whenever you needed him to. Also, people who are independently wealthy probably hire someone to kill spiders for them.
3. Take a moment to contemplate how much a spider killer probably earns a year.
4. When your husband suggests just stepping on the spider, ask him why he wants you dead. Vow to wear clown shoes for the rest of your life to ensure that you can step on spiders from a respectable distance.
5. Take another moment to ponder whether or not PETA members believe in killing spiders. Spiders aren’t an animal, but they are a living thing…? Make a mental note to Google that later.
6. Realize that your husband has hung up on you. Make another mental note that husbands do not like to be called at work with their wife screaming for them to kill spiders and “get rich”.
7. When your 5 year old son comes on the scene and offers to take care of the situation, breathe a sigh of relief. When he runs to his room and emerges with a very large metal pry bar, with which he plans on “whacking that spider”, jump for joy. A Jersey-style fist pump would even be acceptable.
8. Yes, your 5 year old son keeps a large metal pry bar in his room. Now is not the time to judge.
9. When your son emerges from the laundry room and reluctantly tells you that the spider “got away”, try not to insult him too much. “Loser” for example, is okay. “Big Fat Loser”, is not.
10. Go look at real estate listings in Maine. Because Maine is beautiful and New England-ey and they don’t have things like dust, flies, and huge spiders.
11. Close the laundry room door and go drown your sorrows in a cupcake.
**Please note that the above scenario is purely hypothetical. Ahem.
I recently purchased a cupcake book that features a recipe for Mountain Dew cupcakes. Unfortunately, when I made the cupcakes, they came out really sucky. I followed the recipe exactly and all I got was a big pan of sticky, sunken in mess. Luckily for me, I remembered something I saw a few months ago on my friend Rick’s blog. He said that you can make cupcakes with just a box of cake mix and a 12 oz can of soda.
A little doubtful (okay, a lot doubtful…sorry Rick) I decided to give it a whirl with a box of Duncan Hines yellow cake mix and a can of Mountain Dew. And guess what? It worked. Thanks Rick, for the ticket to Awesome City.
Duncan Hines Yellow Cake Mix
12 oz Mountain Dew
1/4 – 1/2 cup Mountain Dew for brushing on tops
2 sticks butter, softened
2/3 cup Mountain Dew
1/4 tsp vanilla extract
1/4 tsp lemon extract
7 cups powdered sugar
Preheat oven to 350. Line 2 muffin cups with liners.
Combine cake mix and Mountain Dew in the bowl of an electric mixer and mix on low speed for 30 seconds. Scrape the sides of the bowl and beat on medium for 2 minutes.
Fill cups 2/3 full and bake about 15 minutes or until tops spring back when lightly touched. Remove pans from oven and poke holes in warm cupcakes with toothpicks. Brush lightly with Mountain Dew. Remove cupcakes from pan and allow to cool on rack.
In the bowl of an electric mixer, the combine softened butter, Mountain Dew, and extracts. Beat on medium low speed until well blended. Add powdered sugar and beat on low speed until combined. Increase speed to medium high and beat for about 2 minutes. If frosting is not thick enough, add powdered sugar until you reach desired consistency.
Using gel food coloring, color half the frosting yellow and half green. Place in a piping bag side by side and pipe onto cooled cupcakes.
Don’t give these to your own kids–save them for the kids of your enemies. Best to drop them off right around bedtime, don’t you think?