I am a wretched, wretched woman and I need to apologize.
Let me explain……
Working in the renovation/construction field, my husband is an avid DIY channel watcher. DIY is a channel that features an array of home improvement shows, some of which star Amy Matthews. She is a cute, perky blonde who also happens to be a contractor. She is regularly featured helping some young couple redo their bathroom, renovate a room, or something handy like that.
I mean, how different would my life be if I couldn’t watch the Real Housewives (New York, OC or New Jersey…love em all). Without them, I wouldn’t know that Botox parties even existed. And how on earth would I get through the week without my Monday night “Bachelor reject crying in the back of the limo” scene …..hellooooo…..I know you are gonna say “he’s really making a huge mistake”…I know you think you “really had something special”……sigh…they never learn.
Back to DIY.
As supportive as I try to be of my husband’s television program choices, there is something about Amy Matthews that sets me off. Something that makes the tiny hairs on the back of my neck stand up…and not in a creepy “I think there is a ghost in the room” way, but in a protective, angry, jealous way.
Watching her and all of her construction expertise, my brain begins the process of hurling taunts at my frail emotions. Why would my brain want to damage me emotionally? I do not know. But it is the only reasonable explanation as to what happens next.
I become convinced that my husband loves Amy. He wishes I was Amy. He dreams of a strong, tile laying, shower building, wall knocking outing wife…..not a wimpy, brownie making, book reading gal like myself. So I do the only thing I can think of to remedy the situation. I begin blurting out random insults about Amy Matthews to convince my husband that she is not only undesirable, but a very bad person as well.
Here are some of the accusations I have made while in my jealous state:
Amy Matthews does not replace the toilet paper after she takes the last piece.
Amy Matthews leaves the water running the WHOLE TIME she is brushing her teeth.
Amy Matthews always takes a penny but never leaves a penny.
Amy Matthews throws McDonald’s wrappers out her car window.
Amy Matthews doesn’t offer anyone a piece of gum when she pulls a pack out of her purse.
Amy Matthews doesn’t call to ask if you need anything while she is at Wal Mart.
There are more. Many, many, more……..I am so ashamed of myself.
I would now like to take this opportunity to apologize to Amy.
Dear Amy, I am sorry. I am sure you really do not do any of these things. Well, you probably do one or two of them. But I do not know that for a fact so I have no right to say it. I would like to say this will never happen again but it probably will. By acknowledging my problem, I have taken the first steps towards recovery. That is the best I can do for now. Thank you for your patience and support.
Dear Husband, I am sorry. I know you do not love Amy. I am sure that through your eyes, she is warty and toad-like in appearance. Now that I think about it, I am sure that your viewing of her show is due to a glitch in the remote control. Amy Matthews is probably responsible for said glitch. Sorry, I didn’t mean that. It just came out. I love you husband. Please forgive my jealousy. You shouldn’t have to put up with such behavior. Here are some Rice Krispy treats….I made them just for you because I love you so.
1/4 cup (1/2 stick) unsalted butter
One 10 oz package of marshmallows
1/2 cup peanut butter
5 cups Rice Krispies
1 1/2 cups M&M’s
Spray a 9×13 pan with cooking spray and set aside.
Heat the butter in a large nonstick saucepan over low heat until melted. Stir in the peanut butter. Add the marshmallows and continue cooking, stirring until smooth, 2-3 minutes.
Remove the pan from the heat and add the Rice Krispies and M&M’s. Stir until well mixed.
These are the perfect apology dessert!! Enjoy!!